Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers