After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh