CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
No point crayon over spilled milk.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout