The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
#polloftheday
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly