3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.