you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Wednesday
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?