90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it