I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
The Book. The Movie.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?