Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
He’s cranky this morning
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
#damn
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands