day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
What do you hear?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
That de-escalated quickly
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.