I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Therapist: would you say you鈥檙e making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn鈥檛 realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You鈥檙e not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You鈥檇 think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[deparment store]
Employee: ma鈥檃m, i鈥檓 sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Doubt I鈥檒l ever forget this scene 馃槀
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Friday
If you鈥檙e ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you鈥檒l know which way space is.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.