Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
nice challenge
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
me 2 months after i graduated
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣