*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.