584.
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac