If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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cyclists
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.