Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
become ungovernable
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.