Still my favourite meme.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes