bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Care for your back
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.