me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.