Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.