One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow