Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
no cat here
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted