WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
A woman drives into a bar.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀