My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
You Might Also Like
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
🙀🙀🙀😹
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Grandmother clock.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?