let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
IT’S-A ME,
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
his wife is probably gonna see that
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.