Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
😂 amazing answer
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Lube but for my dry humor.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb