YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life