My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
O Wise One….
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Lmao the reply
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I am never leaving this website
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.