My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer