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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
do horses think humans are hats
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.