if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
philosophical skeletons be like
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.