Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.