riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
How can I say no to this ?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear