[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now