Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
who wore it better?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
6. me as a lawyer
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security