Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
won’t smith
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip