Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming