Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.