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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say โright armโ instead of โright onโ my god how are we still alive
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtleโs armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[meeting Dwayne โThe Rockโ Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Donโt judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today Iโll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. Iโll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going โWho ate all the ________?โ
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! ๐
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
13: so Iโll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: โ ๏ธโ ๏ธโ ๏ธ ๐ SEASONAL itโs seasonal asthma
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says โNo.โ
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, weโre done and youโre leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.