Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.