*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
You Might Also Like
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)