me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.