*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before