Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Any refunds available?…
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.