I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.