I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman