I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
no one likes gloating
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.