gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
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79.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Lmao the reply
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks