If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait