OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know